My Thoughts and Feelings

October 17, 2000

Hi! I'm Angi. I felt a need to sit and write how I felt about all that's happened to me in the past 8 years. As you know I was in an accident December of '92. I didn't know at the time, nor could I have imagined the effects it would have on me and my life. Too often we take life for granted and all the beautiful wonderful things we have. Even the bad things don't look AS bad anymore. Not compared to what I go through daily. I am lucky to be alive and know it's only by the grace of god that I'm here today. Even with all my medial problems I thank him daily for that. But oh what I wouldn't give to be healthy again. No more worries about waht might happen if I do a certain thing. The ability to still do all I've given up. When the dr's told me back then that I would probably have problems later on I laughed with the arrogance of youth and said no way, not me. HA!!!!!!! Sometimes I feel the jokes on me. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I'm even here and for my family and all I have. But it's hard sometimes too. When I think about how my life could habe been and all the plans and dreams I had and couldn't fulfill. I just want to sit down and cry. Throw up my hands and say why?? It's really HARD! My life is so different from the way I always envisioned it. I went from being an outgoing, active person to someone who is basically afraid of their own shadow and wont leave the house unless I have to. People who once knew me can't believe I'm the same person. I can't sometimes. I often look in the mirror and wonder who the person staring back at me is. I feel like a freak sometimes because of all the meds. I take & what I go through on a daily basis. The auras, siezures, blackout spells, panic, anxiety, eractic moods/behavior, forgetfullness, backaches, shoulder pain, migrains, the hole in my head~god does this list end??? My family has a hard time understanding this. HA!! LIke I do?? I just try to make it day to day. And a lot of times days stretch into others with no sleep. Then when I do finally sleep I'm haunted by nightmares. And there always the same: 1)I'm running in the d ark, and know some thing is chasing me and that if it catches me I"m dead. I DON"T KNOW WHAT IT IS THOUGH!

2) I'm a passenger in a vehicle, that keeps going faster and faster while I'm screaming, begging it to stop. I don't see the driver. Only the rushing road. Then all of a sudden darkness.

3)(A more recent one) I'm sitting in a room, bound by something & cannot move. It's dark, I"m screaming from someone to rescue but noone comes.

I have others, but those 3 are constant. I'm also afraid to sleep.. I'm afraid I wont wake up.


God, how many times this question goes through my head daily. I know there is a reason for everything, but it's hard to accept at times.

I once, a lifetime ago, loved to drive around and meet new people. NOT NOW! I DON'T drive and people terrify me!! Even in my small town I fight the attacks. It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.

Everyone kept telling me to get out more, and I'd feel better. NOT! I tried this past summer and am worse, not better. Second to my family my passion is horses. It was my dream to breed and train them. Also show. But I can't. I have given up most horses~I'm unable to ride them. But I found a breed that is smooth, kind, gentle, loving and non-threatening. I currently have 1. Not close to what I had always dreamnt of. And if it wasn't for Noels help I wouldn't be able to care for him and I gardly get to ride. It's not easy to give up a life-long dream.

I am grateful to be alive and feel blessed for what I do have and my family.

My symptoms have gotten worse as has the severity. This is the first of August and for the past 2 1/2 months I seem to keep getting worse. I have a C&P exam tomorrow, just where I go in and a dr. checks me over to make sure I'm still haveing problems. I have some questions I hope to get answers to from this dr.

Please continue to keep me in your prayers. God Bless, Angi